This post has been in the works for quite some time. Initially I had planned to do a detailed exegesis of the two crucial texts in Matthew in relation to divorce and remarriage (Matt. 5:31-32 and 19:1-12) as well as those in Paul’s letters, but teaching Sunday school, visiting my future in-laws, finishing seminary, and preparing for an August wedding have all proved more pressing, while such an expansive post on divorce and remarriage seemed daunting. Also, men much wiser and godlier than myself have produced work on divorce and remarriage much clearer than I can, at this point in my life, attempt to post on this blog.
So instead of attempting to press verse by verse through the divorce texts in Matthew, I have decided to direct you to some helpful work that has already been done on divorce remarriage and simply provide some further thoughts on why I have recently adjusted my position. Finally, I hope to challenge you to prayerfully consider how we ought to understand our Lord’s teaching on “what God has joined together . . .”
If you haven’t guessed already, I should go ahead and admit that I owe a great debt to Pastor John Piper in helping me think through the issue of divorce and remarriage. My view is very close to Piper’s and I came to it in great part through considering the argument put forward in his position paper on divorce and remarriage. To hear these arguments in a more engaging format, you can read, watch, or listen to two sermons Piper preached on divorce and remarriage last summer–here and here. Also, for a compendium of views on divorce and remarriage, you can check out the Spring 2002 edition of The Southern Baptist Journal of Theology or check out the three views book on divorce and remarriage edited by Mark L. Strauss. I particularly commend Gordon Wenham’s article Does the New Testament Approve Remarriage after Divorce? in the SBJT. Wenham does an excellent job of reading Jesus’ teaching on divorce in light of their theological context, particularly the context of Jesus’ teaching on the kingdom of God and the new covenant.
As a side note, I wanted to mention that while John Piper has been phenomenally influential in my walk with Christ, I do not follow everything he says blindly, in fact I disagree with Piper on some significant areas with regard to the church. I should also tell you that Piper’s position (and my position) on divorce and remarriage is not the majority position among evangelicals. In fact, people who hold his view are by far in the minority. In what follows, I will briefly outline Piper’s argument and offer a few insights.
Piper’s position is basically this: the only biblical ground for remarriage after divorce is the death of a spouse. He essentially grounds this position on Mark 10:9 and Matt. 19:6 when Jesus is asked about whether a man may divorce his wife for any reason and Jesus responds, saying, “what God has joined together let not man separate.” In other words, God created marriage and thus has rights over when it may be abolished. Since marriage is God’s, man does not have the right to abolish it for any reason. God is the one who separates via death. Jesus clearly sees marriage as a ‘one flesh’ union. This one flesh union is inaugurated by God–marriage is something that God himself has joined together. It is not fundamentally a social institution but a creation of almighty God.
This position on remarriage is confirmed in 1 Cor. 7:39 and Rom. 7:1-3, which cite only death as legitimate grounds for remarriage after divorce. Therefore, I think Christians should never pursue divorce. There may be times when, for safety reasons, a Christian may need to flee and separate from an abusive or dangerous spouse. Or, if a Christian has an unbelieving spouse and they demand a divorce, 1 Cor. 7:15 seems to indicate that a Christian may accept such a demand, but it seems clear that Christians are not to actively pursue divorce with a believing or unbelieving spouse (cf. 1 Pet. 3:1-2). I would interpret such deliberate movement toward divorce as separating what God has joined together.
The immediate objection to this position is the exception clause found in Matt. 5:32 and 19:9, when Jesus says that remarriage after divorce connotes adultery “except for sexual immorality.” Many conservative evangelicals see this as simply a reference to adultery. As I have previously outlined, “porneia” (the Greek word for sexual immorality) in the New Testament has a much broader meaning than adultery. For example, 1 Cor. 5:1 uses the porneia in reference to incest, and 1 Cor. 7:2 uses porneia to refer to premarital sexual activity. Further, Matthew clearly sees a distinction between the more common word for adultery, moicheia, and porneia as the two words are mentioned side by side in the list vices in Matt. 15:9. Also, both Matt. 5:32 and 19:9 cite porneia as the exception shortly after having utilized moicheia to refer to adultery.
Thus, the exception clause found in Matt. 5:32 and 19:9 cannot refer so narrowly to adultery. If there is an exception, the exception is sexual immorality which has broader connotations than sex with someone other than one’s spouse. In other words, if sexual immorality provides a legitimate grounds for divorce, then divorce would be a legitimate action for a Christian on numerous grounds (i.e. something like looking at pornography or a struggle with wandering eyes could be acts of porneia). I do not think, however, that the exception clause is meant to provide broad grounds on which Christians may legitimize divorce.
This is where Piper’s explanation is helpful. He sees the exception clause, “except for sexual immorality,” in Matt. 5:32 and 19:9 as a reference to sexual immorality during betrothal rather than within marriage. When I first heard Piper’s view several years ago, I thought it sounded very bizarre, but upon further study I think he may be on to something here. In John 8:41, Jesus is accused by the Pharisees of being “born of sexual immorality (porneia).” This accusation was made in denial of Jesus’ virgin birth. In other words they are saying Mary was sexually immoral during her betrothal to Joseph and thus they were accusing Jesus of having been conceived out of wedlock. Then in Matthew’s account of the virgin birth we see Joseph planning to “divorce [Mary] quietly” (Matt. 1:19). The word used for divorce in Matt. 1:19 in reference to betrothal is the same word used for divorce in Matthew 5:32 and Matt. 19:9 where we find the exception clause “except for sexual immorality.” Therefore Piper sees, and I am inclined to agree with him, the exception clause as a reference to betrothal rather than adultery inside of marriage.
With that in view, there is a valid divorce inside a betrothal on grounds of sexual immorality but not for divorce inside of a marriage. It makes sense that Matthew would want to make clear, given the nature of his account of the virgin birth, that Joseph was not planning an illegitimate divorce because at the time he thought Mary to be guilty of sexual immorality during the time of their betrothal.
This seems strange to us today because we think of betrothal and engagement as the same thing, and we consider it perfectly fine to call off an engagement. However, engagement and betrothal are not the same thing. Jewish people in the NT era took betrothal very seriously and would not permit a betrothal to be broken on broad grounds. It was a very serious commitment and it is our flippant attitude toward engagement that keeps us from seeing the seriousness of betrothal.
I know there are numerous questions I haven’t answered in this post. I would commend Piper’s position paper and Gordon Wenham’s article linked above to answer your questions. I know there are probably a million practical questions that come to your mind in wondering how such a view should be lived out in the local church. But I would simply say that we must always begin with what the Bible clearly teaches and then move on to answer questions of practice.
What concerns me about much of the teaching I hear today on divorce and remarriage is that it begins by attempting to excuse the presence of divorce and multiple marriages in our congregations. I know there are probably remarried people in your church–there are in mine; and we need to love people in 2nd and 3rd and 4th marriages, but we must also be honest with them about what God says about remarriage, and we need to be honest with them about what God says about divorce. Honesty about sin is the first step toward healing from sin and its effects. Clearly, those who have divorced and remarried on grounds other than the death of a spouse should not divorce from their second spouse because they feel they are living in adultery. That would be multiplying sin. In fact, Deut. 24:1-4 indicates that it is an abomination to the Lord when a wife is divorced from her second husband and seeks to return to the first. The good news for all who are in a second marriage in our churches is: “If we confess our sin, [Christ] is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” We ought to tell those who are pained by the sin of having remarried to confess their sin to God and ask for forgiveness and God can and will cleanse them. He can bring much glory to himself through his regenerating work in the hearts of those who are now married for the second time even though they never should have pursued a second marriage. No matter what our position on divorce and remarriage is, it does not change the reality that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8).
It also concerns me that there is a propensity in our churches to excuse something that God hates (Mal. 2:16). God hates divorce. It flies in the face of the purpose for which he created marriage, namely to display His own glory in redeeming for himself a people through Jesus (Eph. 5:25-27). I have heard entire sermon series on the Sermon on the Mount that do nothing more than seek to lessen the severity of Jesus’ radical commands. There is no doubt–there are victims of divorce. There are many Christians who did not want a divorce, and perhaps even fought against it, but ended up giving in to their spouse’s incessant demands for a divorce, likely because their spouse is an unbeliever. But, the sad reality of our day is that there are actually untold thousands of victims of divorce (e.g. children, church members, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, grandparents, cousins, and friends of those who determine to abolish what Almighty God has joined together).
I fear that our propensity to lessen the radical nature of Christ’s commands is a testimony to how worldly our churches are today. I don’t have to tell you . . . you have heard the statistics. The divorce rate is not any smaller among those who claim to be Christians. Do you want to reflect the glory of God in redemption in your marriage? Then don’t EVER break it off! Marriage is God’s doing, and it exists for his glory. He determines when to dissolve it, not us. That does not mean that second marriages cannot bring God glory; by the regenerating work of the Spirit, they can. But that fact doesn’t make divorce permissible for those who are members of the new kingdom Jesus has inaugurated in human hearts. If Jesus’ words seem too hard, remember that they seemed too hard to his disciples as well (Matt. 19:10). But we are to live as lights of truth in a dark and dying world, and we do so by offering ourselves as a sacrifice of worship to Jesus Christ, not by conforming to the world (Rom. 12:1-2).
Hey brother,
Thanks for sharing the searing good article. (My apologies again for delayed interaction with your work, such as with the second quiz.) I do think that divorce needs to be given a second and third and fourth thought between spouses, and then they toss away the argument altogether and trust in the forgiveness of sins in Christ alone, trusting His daily bread of the inscribed Word for their lives, and trusting in His bearing of their debts as His own in penal substitution at the cross.
On another note, it seems to me that divorce in the visible church seems to show a root in the radical sense of individualism in secular culture rather than in questions of church doctrine per se. (Obviously, this is not entirely the case between denominations.) I personally would like to see Christians develop more of a vision for community in their churches for dealing with problem marriages. Fighting spouses in a marriage would not be left to themselves, while onlookers whisper in their usual damaging churchly gossip. Instead, Christians outside the problem marriage would look to take the command of bearing one another’s burdens seriously and get involved in the problem marriage – outside men to the problem husband, outside women to the problem wife. And it would help if the pastors and elders and deacons would take a more active role in offering marriage counseling classes and getting the spouses involved in mercy ministries so that their focus is taken off their flesh and onto the Gospel, and that they would view each other in the literal sense as “helpmates.” It seems to me that if a local church would take the context of community among Christians very personally, divorce would not be so much an issue or inevitable outcome.
In light of the problems of divorce and a high sense of individualism in the visible church, what books would you recommend to blog readers for pastoral and diaconal care of problem marriages, and for lay Christians’ investment of fellowship in problem marriages?
That is a great question Rick, thanks for reading my article. I think you hit on some really important issues. My view on divorce ups the responsibility of churches to teach, counsel, and disciple their members to address these issues biblically.
Off hand I can think of a couple of links I might post to answer your question and maybe a book or two, I will try to post them some time tonight.
Drew, I thought I would post part of that email about this post:
I read this, and in my opinion, it is your best post prepared for EE so far. As far as I can tell, every bit of the post is necessary to clarify your concerns and opinions.
For your own mind and edification, if you would like to dig into a little bit of a different view with a strong biblical argument, I would recommend MacArthur’s view on the text in Matthew. In fact, of all his commentaries, I would suggest he works best through Matthew. My view is closely related to yours and Piper’s. That is probably the reason why I was so intrigued by your post. But, MacArthur, I think, helps assuage our argument with Scripture and a sense of compassion. Therefore, even if our view is more in line with the intent of the text than MacArthur’s, I think we can be sure he will help us better understand compassion for and teaching to those dealing with troubled marriages.
Excellent points made, brothers. I plan to advertise this article on marriage and divorce in my blog some time today, if it be the Lord’s will. And I look forward to your recommended books on the issue (e.g., MacArthur’s words on Matthew). (These I would also post on my blog as follow-up to pointing readers to your article; no rush for the recommendations).
Drew, Rick, here is a short excerpt of MacArthur’s view of divorce and remarriage. It also has other links and excerpts at the bottom of the page to further study the issue.
Click here to read it.
Thanks for the link. I cautiously allow divorce on the grounds of adultery and abandonment – especially the “hard-hearted” adultery mentioned by MacArther – but I would want a higher priority on pastoral and diaconal marriage counseling, and a stronger lay members’ devotion to fellowship support of troubled marriages, in the local church (and the larger model of the denomination). There should be a stronger affection for marriage than a lenient permission for divorce. And personally, I think that if divorce is talked about as a real danger between spouses, in view of Christ’s forgiveness of debts in the Lord’s Prayer, then the strong desire for divorce will be doused (indeed, given up to Jesus’ expiation on the cross).
My article in support of yours is now posted on my blog.
As requested, here are some links to some practical wisdom on how to respond to the issue of divorce and remarriage in our churches. I appreciate Kevin linking to MacArthur, I haven’t gotten a chance to read MacArthur’s view yet, but I plan to do that when I get a chance this week, my life is a bit of a whirl right now!
For some helpful insights into how to think about when church discipline should be conducted on those pursuing divorce, check out A Statement on Divorce & Remarriage in the Life of Bethlehem Baptist Church. This is the statement agreed upon by the elders of Bethlehem Baptist Church (John Piper’s church) about how to address divorce and remarriage in their midst. It is also helpful in thinking through how to shepherd those in our churches and how to help them fight for their marriages as pastors.
Piper also has another helpful article at Desiring God on Divorce and Remarriage in the Event of Adultery–this is basically a fuller treatment of the exception clauses in Matt. 5:32 and 19:9 as well as a helpful exposition of Luke 16:18.
Also check out Piper’s response to this question, “how should we respond to friends who are considering divorce?”
Andreas Kostenberger has a great book on these issues as well (although he takes a different position on remarriage than I do) titled God, Marriage, & Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation. Kostenberger is a sharp theologian who writes with pastoral sensibilities–this is a helpful resource for pastors.
Finally I would encourage you to check out the three views book linked to in my article, which is theological in nature but has pastoral insights well. Also I would remind you to check out the Spring 2002 volume of the SBJT which has several helpful articles including an Editorial on Marriage and the Family by Dr. Thomas Shcreiner.
Rick–I hope you find these links helpful! Thanks for linking to my article and joining on the discussion of this crucial issue!
Kostenberger is at SEBTS . . . glad you’re learning from us! :)
Thankyou for your article. I agree with most of what you say. However, I’ve been struggling for over two years now regarding staying in my marriage because I married a divorced woman. I understand that God can forgive sin. But, the way I am looking at it, in every other sin you are involved in, you have to stop doing it when you repent and ask forgiveness. If I had an adulterous affair with my nextdoor neighbor, I would have to stop it if I would expect God to forgive me. If I were a thief when I got saved, I’d have to stop it when I repented of it. If Jesus says that I commit adultery when I marry a divorced woman, it just seems to me that as long as I am with her I am still committing adultery. Romans 7:3 says “If a divorced woman marries another man while her first husband is still alive, she shall be (ongoing) called an adulteress. John the Baptist was put in jail because he kept telling King Herod that it was illegal to marry his brother Philip’s wife. So, if he kept telling him that, what did he expect Herod and Herodias to do? They were obviously already married. So, it seems to me that John the Baptist was expecting them to dissolve the marriage. And he was so strongly telling them this that he finally was put in jail for it. If all you have to do is ask for forgiveness for marrying a divorced person, then why didn’t John the Baptist just ask them to repent?
I can’t think of any other sin, off hand, that you may continue in after you have confessed it. Marrying a divorced person is an adulterous relationship; not just for the first night of the marriage, but ongoing (Rom. 7:3)
I realize it seems illogical to vacate a marriage like that, but, as you said, these were radical statements made my Jesus himself. Please, I would like to hear from anyone who can provide some scripture that would allow a person to stay in a marriage with a divorced person. All I have ever heard are…”well this is my opinion” or “it seems to me that” or God forgives adultery, which I know He does. But, again, to me, like every other sin, you have to stop it.
Thanks again for your excellent article and allowing input and questions from your readers….John.
John,
Thanks for your question. I want you to know that as soon as I read your question this morning, I began to pray for you and your wife. I prayed that God would help you to see clearly on this issue to repent and to stay faithfully married to your wife to the glory of God. That, however, is not a cop-out, intend to answer your question biblically as best I can.
First, it should be said that God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). Malachi 2:16 is a categorical statement. If God hates divorce why would we multiply it? If divorce truly is something that God hates, another divorce is just more sin. More sin for you and your wife, more sin means more misery. Please don’t believe the lie that divorcing from your wife would bring you peace and would equal repentance. Romans 6:1-2. “shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!” In other words, if divorce is a sin, 2nd and 3rd divorces are sin as well and Paul says by no means should we multiply sin!
Secondly, we know that God hates divorce because he created marriage to be a one-flesh relationship (Gen. 2:23-24). Gen. 2 is the text Jesus quotes in his teaching on divorce and remarriage in both Mark 10 and Matt. 19. Both of these texts are built upon the Old Testament’s allowance of divorce on the ground of “something indecent” found in the wife (Deut. 24:1-4). Jesus says that Moses allowed divorce because of the people’s hardness of heart in both Matt. 19 and Mark 10. I have argued previously, in Divorce and Remarriage (Foundations), that this text, Deut. 24:1-4 actually argues against the validity of leaving one’s second spouse to return to the first. God calls such an act an abomination. For the sake of repeating myself, I will simply let you read that article.
The most important thing I want to communicate to you is that clearly what we see about marriage in Scripture is that marriage is the most foundational of social institutions instituted by God. When you married your wife, I assume you made vows–these were not just vows to you wife, they were vows to God almighty who is Lord over all marriages whether they be first, second, or third marriages. No where in Scripture are people in second marriages commanded to divorce, and furthermore, were you to break off your marriage with your wife, you would be sinning against your wife and against God because God hates divorce and because you would be breaking the covenant you made with your wife when you made those vows and said ‘I do’ on your wedding day. If you were to divorce you would be allowing yourself and your wife to multiply sin and to break the covenant that you both made to each other and to God.
You mentioned Romans 7, Romans 7 seems to set forth that death is the only grounds for remarriage. Well I think that applies to all marriages no matter what has happened in the past. In other words unless you or your wife dies, you are both bound to keep the covenant that you made.
Also, there is much to say about the situation with John the Baptist and Herod, but for now I will just say that there was more than adultery involved–there was incest as well! So I don’t think that is 1 to 1 correlation.
Repentance in your situation is different than someone who is divorced and did not remarry. For you and your wife, I believe it would be an abomination to dissolve the marriage as an act of repentance. For you and your wife, I think repentance means covenanting together not to multiply the sin of divorce. To repent for you means making your marriage last to the glory of God. It means confessing past sin to God and being faithful to him in the one-flesh relationship that was consummated on your wedding day.
Marriage is also a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. Christ died so that you might be free from sin! Please don’t multiply the sin that Christ died to free you from!
I am sure you have many more questions. I am at work, so I need to wrap this up, but please know that you are welcome to ask more questions, that I appreciate you sharing, and I am praying for you.
I plan to post some links that might help you tonight when I get home.
Thanks John.
John,
Please consider contacting
Dr. Joseph Webb at
http://www.cpr-ministries.org
or
Rev. Stephen Wilcox at
http://www.marriagedivorce.com
They would be more then happy to discuss your current situation of being married to a divorced woman.
They have ministries addressing this issue from a Biblical standpoint.
They will answer all your questions. Marriage/ Divorce/Remarriage is the focal point of their ministries not just a side interest. You are correct in being concerned over being married to one who was divorced.
I hope that you contact them,
God Bless,
Rose
I have a scenario that would be based on 1 Corinthians. 7:15, when an unbeliever leaves.
Say you have two women. Both not raised in Christian homes and are not born again living the ways of the world. Both become pregnant while in fornication.
The first woman decides on abortion and doesn’t marry the father.
The second woman, due to extreme emptiness wants the baby to love and is able to get the young irresponsible father to marry her –also in an attempt to be loved.
After the abortion for girl 1 and during the pregnancy for girl 2 both girls become born again believers.
The second girl divorces two years after the marriage vows because of abuse/adultery/abandonment … but tries to reconcile for many years as she grows in her Christian faith…waiting on the Lord and praying for her wayward ex- husband. Her ex husband, 5 years after the divorce marries someone else on a whim.
Now, my question is….Girl one is forgiven of murder and free to have a Godly husband?
But Girl two, because in her mind and loneliness kept the baby and married, then divorced but fought for a reconciliation that was not possible…..is not free to remarry according to 1 Corinthians 7:15?
I am girl two. If God hadn’t spoken his grace to me and counseled me with his spirit I may have come to a conclusion that an abortion (before I was born again) would have me better off now because I only married him because of the pregnancy anyway. People without Jesus do desperate things to be loved.
I have to fight off the feelings of condemnation sometimes because there is no condemnation IN Christ Jesus. Being divorced as a Christian is a horrible thing to bare. I have been single raising my child alone for 6 years. I feel second class many times. It’s very hurtful. I only stay in church because I remember Jesus rescuing me from the trenches of darkness and emptiness.
When God spoke to me (as I mentioned above) he told me that I would be “happily married” one day and spoke many things to that affect. He hasn’t brought the person yet but this time just with him has been vital to my growth and faith. The voice that spoke all these promises was the same voice I kept hearing when I was destroying myself before I got pregnant. He would say “Your important to me” and “I Love you”. I accepted Jesus as a little girl but didn’t have any church or mentors or repentance till I was pregnant and getting sober.
I value marriage. I condemned even myself when I was divorced. Thinking I was doomed to be single because I messed up my life already at 24. (living in the world tends to do that to you) But God spoke to me differently. But the only scripture I can back that up with is 1 Corinthians 7:15. I just thought I would share this. Sorry it is so long. But thankfully Jesus came to set the captives free with his amazing love and grace. I was satan’s captive. Without him I am filthy.
To add…I was reading a stance on here that in order for any remarriage for me to be biblical……my ex husband would have to physically die?
(and he is has been remarried for almost 2 years)
I wouldnt ever want him to die without Jesus….(his behavior is worse for his 2nd wife then it was with me.) I would never hope for his physical death just so I can know what it’s like to be married to a Godly man and have a help-meet.
Even though he is the source of my hurt and abandonment
I still think of him as Jesus thought of those who put him to death. “Father forgive then they know not what they do”.
Marie,
Thanks for sharing your story. Praise the Lord for His glorious grace in bringing you to know and love Jesus Christ! Your story reminded me why I blog–I blog to point people to Christ and the answers His Word gives. Whether you agree with my position on divorce and remarriage or not, hopefully we can both be encouraged from God’s Word!
To answer your question. I am not sure that 1 Cor. 7:15 directly answers your question. I think Matthew 19:6 does, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” In other words, I think that the covenant of marriage between two beleivers was intended by God to be a permanent union. I think 1 Cor. 7 indicates that a believer who is abandoned/abused/cheated on by an unbelieving spouse is free to divorce but I don’t think 1 Cor. 7 addresses whether the spouse is then free to remarry. I hope you follow me there. What I am saying is that I am unsure, but putting all the Bible’s teaching together on this I lean toward saying that the believing spouse in such a situation is free to divorce but not free to remarry because Jesus calls remarriage adultery.
I could be wrong here, but I think your situation is different. You married as an unbeliever and came to Christ in the midst of that marriage. I think that is a different situation and you would not be necessarily wrong to remarry. I think its a difficult situation, I don’t want to pretend like there is an easy answer. I just want to help you deal with the Bible’s teaching but that is my two cents.
These are difficult issues, we ought to be careful not to make our decisions though, based on what seems right–we need to remember that at every moment that we attempt to interpret these texts, sin is a war within us! In other words we should be careful not to intrepret Scripture based on situations around us. We should seek to start with Scripture, what does it mean, what does it say, then proceed to think about how that should change the way with think about the situations around us. Does that make sense? Start with the Bible–what does it say? What does it mean? Then begin to think about how that should affect your life etc. If we start with life situations and then try to fit them around Scripture we are apt to err.
Anyway thanks again, I really appreciate you sharing and am thankful to God for His abundant grace in your life!
Thanks for your reply. Just a different question…..Concerning MATT 5:32. Jesus is saying “But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason *except sexual immorality* causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery…….”
I just don’t interpret the above to say a person who was the victim of adultery should never remarry in the Lord.
Jesus says except for sexual immorality.
Of course…if the offending spouse shows true repentance because they are about to loose their marriage….the offended should forgive. But look at that world we live in….that doesn’t always happen.
To me the scripture is clear and I dont want to condemn anyone to a life of singleness when they never did anything wrong.
Thanks for listening even though we may disagree on this.
Thank you,
Marie
I used the word “condemned” to a life of….
for lack of a better word. Some people don’t want to be single for their lifetime (the RARE few do)
You get the picture ;)
I have a lot of trouble knowing what is the right thing to do with my life. Here is my story. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 19 1/2 years old. I attended church on a regular basis, he said his family attended church, but much later, I did not find that to be the case. We dated for a year, and then he let me know he was dating a married woman behind my back. I stopped dating him, months went by, he came to me and said he “had made the biggest mistake of his life” and wanted to date me again. I resisted, he persisted. I gave him a second chance, realizing he was young and people make mistakes. Eventually, I felt he was sincere and that I could start trusting him again. We married when I was 21 and he was 23. The marriage was difficult at times (but everyone has that). We both wanted children and were excited when we found out I expected our first child when I was 23. I became a stay at home wife and mother at my husbands wishes. The marriage still had problems with his temper causing me much fear. I did not say a word to my family about any of this, and only said a few things to my mother-in-law. Eight months after the birth of our son, I was expecting our second child. Our daughter was born when I was 25. Marriage had its ups and downs, as all marriages do. I became pregnant and gave birth to our third child a few months before I was 29. That year our marriage seemed the best it had ever been. Then the marriage seemed to have a lot of problems again. My husband had unexpected outbursts of rage, where I was afraid for myself and the children. He would try to make it up to our 4 year old son when he hurt him, by buying him gifts. Occasionally he would tell me he was sorry, most of the time he just didn’t acknowledge it at all. (I believe he wasn’t aware of all that he said and did when he was that enraged.) When I was 31, my husband told me on Christmas day he wanted to separate from me. I cried and pleaded with him that everyone had problems in marriage and that the answer wasn’t to run away, but that we needed to work on the problems. I tried to be perfect for him, and for 3 months it was not mentioned again. Then, the day before our youngest child’s 3rd bithday, he brought up his desire to separate again. I let him know later that day after much thought about it that maybe it was a good idea. (It would be such a relief not to worry about the children or me making him so mad and always trying to be careful how we talked or acted around him. ) I think he was shocked by my agreeing and this time, he didn’t say anything for another 3 months. Then on my 32 birthday, he told me again that he wanted to separate, and that he would be seeing a lawyer. Four months before my 34th birthday our divorce was finalized. We were married for almost 13 years. Did I ever say anything about what was happening to me or the kids? No I did not. I didn’t know who to turn to, except the local women’s shelter and they were full. I didn’t suspect the adultery until the second asking for the separation. Then I started finding evidence. After my divorce, my kids and I moved in with my parents. My mother wanted me to date and find someone nice as she was concerned about me being alone for the rest of my life (once the kids were grown). I would cry in my sleep about the adultery my husband had committed during our marriage, not understanding why he would do that. To me that was worse than the abuse in some ways, since it betrayed my faith in him. I could not even think of putting myself or my kids through that ever again and told my mother. My now ex-husband married the woman he had his affair with, once her divorce became final. (Yes she was married at the time with a young daughter). I had a hard time with the fact that they married and had counseling to help me with this. I had very little trust in men or women for a long time. After about 5 years, I started thinking about dating as I knew one day the kids would be grown and have lives of their own. It was very scarry to date and trust someone else. But with the help of my oldest daughter I started. Now I am 42. My health is precarious due to my husband exposing me to disease. Every day is a blessing from God. I started dating a man 5 months ago. He is 50 and divorced. The kids and I started going to his church until one Sunday when the pastor gave a sermon on politcal correctness. He mentioned how we as a community allow things to happen as we do not want to get involved due to politcal correctness. One of the last items he mentioned was how divorced families cause local taxes to go up due to remarriages. This hurt my children and myself terribly. I did not choose for my husband to commit adultery. I did not choose for my husband to be abusive. I did not try to choose to be married to someone who would divorce me. But all of these things happened. The pastor made me feel that I was a second class citizen (causing his and the congregations’ taxes to rise) who did not deserve to try to live a happier life. My children and I felt that we are forever condemed for their father’s actions. He has remarried as he has no Christian (or any other) faith. I would like to and believe I have found an honest and decent man that has shown my children and myself nothing but kindness. I would like one day to marry such a man to show my children that it is possible to have a loving marriage, where you don’t have to be afraid. The pastor has said the Bible doesn’t allow that for me. If this is the case for me, then why date? Once my children are grown, why continue to struggle through each day if there is no one there at the end of the day?
Elizabeth,
I apologize for my late reply to your comment on this post. I have just now gotten back into town from my honeymoon, I just got married last week.
Thank you for sharing your story. I want to commend you for your faithfulness to your former husband and for your long-suffering attempts for the two of you to remain faithful. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:15, that if they unbelieving partner separates, “let it be so.” In other words, I think given your husbands abusive tendencies, you did the right thing. You cannot control his actions, you can point him to Christ with your attitude and actions but you cannot make him repent and do what honors the Lord.
As to your situation in your new relationship, I cannot tell you the right thing to do. I don’t feel its my place as I do not know you personally. I do, however, think you are wise to ask yourself the questions you are asking. My view on these matters is fairly rare, most people hold out that “except for sexual immorality” in Matt 5:32 and 19:9 means that those whose spouse committs adultery are then free to remarry. I don’t think that is the case, based upon my argument in this post.
That said, I recommend you consider this issue more closely. Look at arguments on both sides, but most importantly look to God’s Word as your ultimate authority. This post is just a blog article written by a recent seminary graduate who is still seeking to work through these profound theological issues with fear and trembling. I just want to encourage you to look for answers carefully and thoroughly in and only in God’s Word. It is our authority and it is powerful (Rom. 1:16; Heb. 4:12).
If it is God’s desire that those who divorce not remarry except after the death of a spouse, then I think that means that God himself can and will sustain you, give you joy, strength, and satisfaction in Him–God will always be a better husband to you than any earthly man could be. Don’t make having a husband or anything else your ultimate desire–don’t fall prey to the lie that you have to have a replacement husband to be happy–God will take care of you, you merely need to look to Him and trust Him. That said, I encourage you to consider these things for yourself in Scripture, weigh them out and don’t just take my word for it. Talk to other brothers and sisters in Christ, find a good church that is willing to counsel you through these issues and is willing to help you and support you as you grow in Christ.
In the meantime, I will be praying for you!
Mr. Dixon,
I was married, only one time, for 20 years. I was first separated and then divorced and have been living as a single woman for over 14 years. I had biblical grounds for divorce. Yet, I believe that–regardless of the grounds for my divorce–I am not free to remarry as long as the man I married still lives. (And let me be clear: I pray daily for his spiritual and physical health.) I believe that my calling now is to seek to please God and to live a Christian life. I am not trying to hold myself up as being noble or self-righteous; I’m just an ordinary person (read, a sinner like everyone else) who is trying to do what the Bible teaches. But there seems to be a lot of pressure in our society, especially for women, to remarry so explaining my reasoning to others about why I believe that remarriage is not possible for me is challenging. I want to thank you for posting your position and for the link to Piper’s paper. I came to my conclusions through reading scripture and was grateful to read a cogent, Biblically grounded analysis that explains Christ’s teachings far better than I could. So thank you.
Ellen thank you for sharing your story and your encouraging remarks. I praise God that you have found contentment in Christ! I am glad you found these articles helpful.
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.